:: State of Mind ::

:: Sunday, August 21, 2005 ::

So...its been a while, but for whatever reason i felt the urge to write. Nothing earth shattering...really i dont have much of a purpose for this post, but none the less, i felt inclined to rehash this old thing of mine and see if it could revitalize something in me that i realize has been missing but for whatever reason, doesnt feel that way. you know how when you go without something for so long, you sort of get used to it not being there and so you no longer "miss" it or even think much of its absense. that is sort of how this writing and blog has been for me, as unfortunate as it is. hopefully i can get back into the swing of things and regain the confidence to put my life and vulnerabilities out there for the public...and if not, perhaps i can at the very least, get some of my thoughts out there in a creative way! but for now...this is only the beginning! (hopefully!)
:: BAlbretsen 7:59:00 PM [+] ::
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So now my mind is running wild and i am doing a good bit of self reflection. After having an interresting conversation over dinner with my parents, i am very deep in thought regarding dating, myself, the signals i send, what i want and how i am perceived. My parents asked several questions in order to get some insight but also to make me better understnad myself regarding relationships. One of the things that they asked was, was there a common denominator among my last few relationships. This was discussed primarily because i have been in some serious relationships where marriage is mentioned and every time they have ended for one reason or another. I realized that this is because of several reasons. Partially because i began to lose sight of who i truly was and began to feel very old. Like i was slipping into that "Soccer Mom" roll and conforming to fit the "little wife" stereotype. I was no longer acting my age, but rather, about 20 years my senior. i realized that i am a head strong person with goals dreams and aspirations and i need and want to be supported in those. i also realized that i want the person that i am with to have goals and dreams of their own and a life of their own rather than me being there life. i dont fit the "submissive" role very well. i am me, and im gonna do my own thing. I dont handle the smothering puppy dog, neediness very well either. If i am going to be with someone, they need to be able to support themself, make decisions for themself, have their own friends, their own ideas and a life for themself. i also relized that i do tend to gravitate to one person, in an exclusive type relationship. Part of that is because that is who i am but a good part of it is because of the reputation that is associated with dating multiple people at once. I was also told that i send mixed signals. My father pointed out that from a guys perspective, the signals i send, by initiating phone calls, by spending every free moment with a person etc, i am sending the signal that "your the one for me" when what i really mean to send is the message of " you are a lot of fun and i enjoy your company" THe problem here is that i tend to get sucked into a relationship and by the signals that i inadvertantly send, i find myself in a serious relationship where the guy is head over heals and i am left feeling smothered and wondering where the fun loving carefree, NON-needy, NON-smothering person went. and that is when i tend to bolt. This is all very difficult for me to digest. Where is the balance. How do i date people in such a way that i can have fun, not get completely hooked or sucked into a serious relationship, date multiple people (casually) if i so choose, without seeming like a whore or someone who "dates everyone" How do i separate myself in such a way that i can date someone and send the signals that i mean to send. For example, i dont even realize i am sending "serious" signals. I only intend to send signals that i enjoy spending time with that person and that i care about them as a person, but not necessarily that i "love" them. i dont exactly know what to make of everything that my family and i talked about. I want to be able to date. I want to have a good time. I want to feel my age. I want to feel cared for. I want to persue my dreams. I dont wan to settle for second best. I dont want to give up my dreams. I dont want to compromise my beliefs. I dont want to be forced into a relationship. I dont want to be pushed into a more serious relationship than i am ready for. I dont want to have a relationship "naturally" progress only to wake up one morning and realize that this isnt what i want. I want for my signals to be received in the manner in which i send them. i dont want to be hurt but more importantly i dont want to hurt someone else because i sent signals that led them to believe that i felt a certain way when in reality those werent the signals i meant to send at all. At the same time i dont want to push people away by not sending signals that i care. I want communication to be open. I want to get better at that. I have no problems telling myself how i feel but it is extremely difficult to tell others how i feel for fear that i am going ot hurt them. I realize that this is a lot of blabbing but at this point i am really miffed and maybe in a way i am scared of commitment. I dont believe in divorce and if and when i get married, it will be the one and only time i do so. I am terrified of making a mistake and telling myself i am in love with someone when really i am only in "like" with them. I am afraid of falling in love with someone out of "convenience" (after dating them for an extended period of time) i am afraid of relationships developing too fast. I am afraid of allowing myself to get caught up in the "newness and neatness" of a casual relationship and it progressing to a place that i never meant for it to. I know a lot of this has been as a result of the conversation with my parents but also as a result of the desolving of the most recent serious relationship. At this point i dont know what to think or do. I feel sort of gun shy. I feel like running.

:: BAlbretsen 8:44:00 PM [+] ::
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I know that nothing is like the movies....
but i miss some of those feelings.
I just saw a cheesy, fantasy movie (Princess Diaries 2) And i realize that nothing like that really happens, but i miss that level of happiness and laughter. It seems like lately, i feel so hurried. I feel like i am growing up really fast and that i am almost alone in doing so. Not that it is a bad thing. I am accomplishing my ultimate career goal but i almost feel like an ancient soul, rather than a carefree, fun-loving 22 year old. I want to be girly and have the fairytale romance story. I want to be a rockstar and have the fun. I want to be rugged and climb mountains. I want to be a kid and just run and jump and spin around. I want to be bohemian and artsy and feel creative.I want to travel and see the world. I want the fanfair and formal events where i can dress in ball gowns and feel regal. I want to be a model and be seen in magazines. I want so many things yet i feel that i am just rushing toward this goal of my own business and making a living. All that is well and good but i dont want to do it while forsaking all of the other things i want. Should i have to settle and give up on some of those other things. I guess in a way i want the picture perfect life....something people see in the movies. Does that exist? Doubtful but i dont want to lose hope in the possibility. i want it!

:: BAlbretsen 8:14:00 PM [+] ::
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I want a house like Bubba Cathy's. It is an amazing 10 bedroom house on the lake. It is beautiful and has so many cool features. They have a wardrobe in the front of the house that serves as the coat closet but when you push the coats out of the way, there is a secret staircase...modeled after The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It leads to a "secret" play room for their kids. Then, behind the door of each kids room there is a small rockwall. They finished the attic so the rockwall leads to the attic where they each have a small section walled off as their private little space. It is really cool. There are tons of neat murals in the house too. The dining room was really neat too because the room is also a library with books from floor to ceiling with a ladder on rollers that goes around the room. The basement had a half court basketball court, a theatre and a diner. It was awesome. The other neat thing was that they dont have a TV in the house. They said that they have gone for 25 years without a TV. They have 6 kids: Mark, James, Rachel, Seth, Matthew and Luke. They really are a sweet family! Mark is my age and just graduated from Univ. of Georgia.

Today was an in unit day and Dwayne, Victor, Leigh and I worked at Shannon Southlake Mall. I had never seen a cook in front store so it was kind of interesting but rather chaotic. Other than that the day was pretty blah. I called Katie tonight and talked for about 45 min. For some reason i got an overwhelming feeling of depression. Im not sure why but i just felt sad. It wasnt associated to anything really. it wasnt about leaving the south, or Jonathan or family. It wasnt about Chick-fil-A or anything like that. I just felt overwhelmed. The word that just kept coming to mind to describe it was "Angst" I dont know why...it just came over me. I Imed Jack earlier and he couldnt talk, he said he was really busy and i tried calling Cynthia but no one answered. I ended up calling Katie and it ended up being a really good conversation. Anyway. I feel a bit better now.

I watched the movie White Oleander on HBO tonight. It was actually a really good movie with Renee Zelwiger and Michelle Pfeiffer.

I got an idea from Bubba Cathy's house that i think will probably be expensive and probably wont happen but i would like to do in my condo. I thought about building a loft on the left hand side of the living room since there are such tall ceilings. I would want a spiral stair case to come down on the side of the fireplace and then just have a neat banister there and be able to have books or something...maybe make it a small guest room. It could really increase the value of the house by making a 2 bedroom out of it. It would have to be small but if it was at least large enough for maybe my loveseat or a daybed, or maybe a full, that would be awesome. It would just be a very long and narrow room. I dunno if it would work but i would LOVE to be able to do it.

I found out Butch Walker is in concert in ATL on Fri Aug 27 at one of the venues in Little 5 Points. I really wanna go. Hopefully i can swing it. Maybe i can talk Jonathan into going too. :-)

Anyway...time for bed! Im pooped!
Goodnight!

:: BAlbretsen 10:27:00 PM [+] ::
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Ok, back to the rest of the story:
For the ropes course, the 1st element was a 35 foot telephone pole with eye bolts in it. The objective was to climb to the top, stand on the top of the pole (mind you its only about 6-8 inches in diameter) and then jump to a trapeze that was about 6 feet in front of you. I was elected as the 1st person to go. Out of our group of 21, only 2 actually completed it...I was one of the two!!! :-) Mike was the other..he works in legal with real estate. I found out today that I am one of only 2 females to have ever done it! That was a cool feeling. It was a bit nerve wracking because the pole is so high up that it really shakes when you get near the top.
The 2nd element was a rock wall. To me this was harder because it took so much upper body strength and for some reason was more nerve wracking. The 1st half was at an incline which was a bit easier. The 2nd half was straight vertical. At the 1/2 way mark, i had to turn to the group and say "You guys can start talking at any time now!" It was hard b/c you couldnt see the rocks on the wall and it was necessary for the team members to tell you where the rocks were. Anyway...I really wasnt sure that i would make it all the way, but once they started helping me through encouragement and telling me where the rocks are, it was MUCH easier.
The 3rd element was very cool. You got strapped into a harness, and the cable was looped through a pulley up in the trees and then back down through another pulley where 4 guys were in harnesses pulling against the rope. On the count of three, we had to run forward toward a cliff at the edge of a creek while the other guys were running in the opposite direction. It ended up pulling you way up in the trees and flying like Peter Pan. It was really cool!
This weekend i went home for church and then spent the afternoon running errands. That night Jonathan and i went to Ryan and Mistie's new house for dinner. We had a blast, dinner and then walked around the neighborhood. I spent the night at home and then came here this morning.
Today we had classes on Chick-fil-A software in the morning and then training on the registers this afternoon. It was good i guess but it was a bit boring for me because i have been dealing with it for 6 years. The register part was kinda fun because Doug and i are the only ones going to stores with Radient registers so we were in a training room with just the 2 of us and the trainer. After she was done, we were able to play around on them so i was ordering all the wierd things that people end up asking for and getting Doug used to dealing with "dumb" customers. It was just kind of funny. I really like Doug and am glad that he is gonna be in the northeast market. He is taking a free standing store just outside of Philly. It should be about an hour away from my house. We have made a pact to start learning spanish and only speaking spanish to one another on the phone when we call. I also really like Mike, the guy from legal. He is originally from Albany NY where he had a law practice with his dad. So as the 3 yankees, we have had to stick together!! :-)
Ashlee is my roommate. She is fun and reminds me of Heidi. She is 26 and will be taking an in-line store in Raleigh. Her dad and brother are both operators as well.
Anyway, that has been my day for today. I think i am gonna grab some dinner and then head to the pool to relax before doing my "homework"
Oh, Jonathan officially accepted the offer from Geoff at Digital Tigers. He is really excited and is taking the entire week off this week and then will put his notice in on Monday!!!! :-) I am so glad that he is able to get out of ACS and in a company that will make him happier! He deserves it!!!


:: BAlbretsen 6:52:00 PM [+] ::
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Things continue to be GREAT!!! Since the last post, there have been a few really cool things that have happened. Heres a quick run down:
On Friday, we had a session called Neon Buzz. Basically the 1st round, we were assigned to tables and had to line up in single file. We were told to go to the table and were not allowed to talk to anyone other than the team leader and we had to salute. The team leader was given 1 minute to read the instructions and tell us what to do. Each group had a different task: Set up, Lighting, Rework and Quality Control. We couldnt communicate to the other groups yet they would bring us parts that "didnt work" however we had no clue what they were doing. We were yelled at and told that the monkeys were able to make 20 of these parts in 10 minutes. In the end, we made 3.
The second time around we were greeted with a handshake and a smile and were devided into 2 teams, with people from each of the 4 original groups on each team. We were allowed to talk and ask questions and build a prototype before beginning production. We were encouraged to set goals and work together to achieve a greater goal. The "boss" was willing to help and offer encouragement when and how he could. It was such a difference. We were even able to stop 1/2 way through the production run to reevaluate our process and make changes as needed. In the end, we made 42 parts.
Hmmm....one of those scenarios sounds strangely like ACS!!!!!

Then on Friday night we went out to Winshape Wilderness. Saturday we did team building games: Dwarfs, Elfs, and Giants; Seal; and a group game called Island. They were all really neat and had relevence toward leadership as well as teams. We had lunch with Doug and Julie Bowling and their 14 kids. They are one of the families with Winshape Homes. They were really great. The afternoon was spent on the ropes course which was awesome!!! But right now it is time for class so i will have to go into more detail a bit later!!.

For now...signing off!

:: BAlbretsen 1:15:00 PM [+] ::
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What an amazing journey! I am now on my 5th day of FRL Training (Fundamentals of Restaurant Leadership) It has been fabulous. I am so excited to be back into CFA. So far I think the most exciting thing was our Monday night dinner with Dan and Rhonda Cathy. They live on about 380 acres and have a beautiful home and stables. Dan grilled out for us. Everything was homemade: Ribs, collards, bread, spinich salad, sweet potatoes, and a "southern fruit tea" that had tea, pinapple juice, orange juice, and lemon juice in it. It was really really good. For dessert we had homemade icecream. Dan made 2 flavors: Peach and Peanut Butter....the peanut butter was HEAVENLY!!!!. We then went offroading on his Gator and Mule over the swamp land on his property and had a BLAST!!! I ended up with bruised ribs and knees and a couple of the guys were COVERED in mud, but it was well worth it!!
My "little" Rory turned 4 on Tuesday so we met up with them at Chuck E. Cheese's for the party. He is getting so big but is so cute. The rest of the time has been class time except for one session where we did a scavenger hunt and we were able to meet Truett. That was really special.
Last night Jonathan met me at the hotel and after getting locked out of my room 3 times in a row, we went to dinner at Dwarf Grill. He had the Hot Brown and i had a Giant Burger. It was such a strange feeling to be eating that kind of food in a CFA. It really kind of makes me want a Dwarf Grill or Truetts Grill rather than a regular free stander. Who knows. Maybe that will work out!
TIME FOR CLASS!!!!!

:: BAlbretsen 9:38:00 AM [+] ::
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There are some things that are worth fighting for tooth and nail. And it is those things that are worth it that demand the strongest, most difficult fight. The struggle is hard, the battles are long, the pain hurts and the bruises and scars last a while. But in the end, after the struggle eases, the battles are over, the pain goes away and the bruises and scars fade, the reward is great. Its then that you truly see what you have and that, yes, in fact it is worth it...In fact, its even more worth it than you realized before you started the battle. The funny thing is, battles will come and go all of your life. Its up to you to determine what is worth fighting for and what is better left ignored.
You know, maybe I haven't loved enough, sacrificed enough, or really thought long and hard enough. But tonight I realized something that I have known before but haven't necessarily thought about in a very long time. I am so incredibly blessed, and so often, I take that for granted. It is only in times of fire, when I feel I am in danger of losing those things that I have been so blessed with that I realize their value and worth, even though I have known it, it hasn't been fully realized. I feel ashamed to even admit it. It was tonight that, for once in a very long time, I felt like I was inches away from losing something that is so very important to me. It was tonight that I realized, I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was, that I'm not as selfless of a person as I thought I was. I realized that I have so many blessings that, if I were to be without them, I'm not sure what I would do. It really made me stop and think and say a prayer of gratitude from the bottom of my heart.
So tonight, I relearned a very important lesson. Value the things you have in life. Treasure the people you know and care about and don't take for granted the people who care about you. They just might be all you have one day. Besides that, you aren't promised those blessings. In an instant they could be gone. So, in the words of my father...don't put your joy in things because when you lose the thing, then you've lost your joy! And in the words of my mother...Use things, love people.
So, to all whom I may have taken for granted....I'm sorry and I love you all.
to all who have cared for me, prayed for me and loved me when I was unlovable...Thank you and I love you!
To all those who have blessed me with your wisdom, time, influence, financial support, encouragement and prayers...Thank you and I love you!
And most of all to my Heavenly Father....You have blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Thank you for giving me life and for every breath you allow me to take in order to live a life that is pleasing to you!
:: BAlbretsen 11:52:00 PM [+] ::
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