:: State of Mind ::

:: Sunday, December 26, 2004 ::

So now my mind is running wild and i am doing a good bit of self reflection. After having an interresting conversation over dinner with my parents, i am very deep in thought regarding dating, myself, the signals i send, what i want and how i am perceived. My parents asked several questions in order to get some insight but also to make me better understnad myself regarding relationships. One of the things that they asked was, was there a common denominator among my last few relationships. This was discussed primarily because i have been in some serious relationships where marriage is mentioned and every time they have ended for one reason or another. I realized that this is because of several reasons. Partially because i began to lose sight of who i truly was and began to feel very old. Like i was slipping into that "Soccer Mom" roll and conforming to fit the "little wife" stereotype. I was no longer acting my age, but rather, about 20 years my senior. i realized that i am a head strong person with goals dreams and aspirations and i need and want to be supported in those. i also realized that i want the person that i am with to have goals and dreams of their own and a life of their own rather than me being there life. i dont fit the "submissive" role very well. i am me, and im gonna do my own thing. I dont handle the smothering puppy dog, neediness very well either. If i am going to be with someone, they need to be able to support themself, make decisions for themself, have their own friends, their own ideas and a life for themself. i also relized that i do tend to gravitate to one person, in an exclusive type relationship. Part of that is because that is who i am but a good part of it is because of the reputation that is associated with dating multiple people at once. I was also told that i send mixed signals. My father pointed out that from a guys perspective, the signals i send, by initiating phone calls, by spending every free moment with a person etc, i am sending the signal that "your the one for me" when what i really mean to send is the message of " you are a lot of fun and i enjoy your company" THe problem here is that i tend to get sucked into a relationship and by the signals that i inadvertantly send, i find myself in a serious relationship where the guy is head over heals and i am left feeling smothered and wondering where the fun loving carefree, NON-needy, NON-smothering person went. and that is when i tend to bolt. This is all very difficult for me to digest. Where is the balance. How do i date people in such a way that i can have fun, not get completely hooked or sucked into a serious relationship, date multiple people (casually) if i so choose, without seeming like a whore or someone who "dates everyone" How do i separate myself in such a way that i can date someone and send the signals that i mean to send. For example, i dont even realize i am sending "serious" signals. I only intend to send signals that i enjoy spending time with that person and that i care about them as a person, but not necessarily that i "love" them. i dont exactly know what to make of everything that my family and i talked about. I want to be able to date. I want to have a good time. I want to feel my age. I want to feel cared for. I want to persue my dreams. I dont wan to settle for second best. I dont want to give up my dreams. I dont want to compromise my beliefs. I dont want to be forced into a relationship. I dont want to be pushed into a more serious relationship than i am ready for. I dont want to have a relationship "naturally" progress only to wake up one morning and realize that this isnt what i want. I want for my signals to be received in the manner in which i send them. i dont want to be hurt but more importantly i dont want to hurt someone else because i sent signals that led them to believe that i felt a certain way when in reality those werent the signals i meant to send at all. At the same time i dont want to push people away by not sending signals that i care. I want communication to be open. I want to get better at that. I have no problems telling myself how i feel but it is extremely difficult to tell others how i feel for fear that i am going ot hurt them. I realize that this is a lot of blabbing but at this point i am really miffed and maybe in a way i am scared of commitment. I dont believe in divorce and if and when i get married, it will be the one and only time i do so. I am terrified of making a mistake and telling myself i am in love with someone when really i am only in "like" with them. I am afraid of falling in love with someone out of "convenience" (after dating them for an extended period of time) i am afraid of relationships developing too fast. I am afraid of allowing myself to get caught up in the "newness and neatness" of a casual relationship and it progressing to a place that i never meant for it to. I know a lot of this has been as a result of the conversation with my parents but also as a result of the desolving of the most recent serious relationship. At this point i dont know what to think or do. I feel sort of gun shy. I feel like running.

:: BAlbretsen 8:44:00 PM [+] ::
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