:: State of Mind ::

:: Thursday, January 16, 2003 ::

i could tell from the minute i woke up it was gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day. -phantom planet (lonely day).
the song just popped in my head and sort of fit the way that i have been feeling the past couple days. just a little pensive and almost reclusive....i think maybe needing to talk but not knowing who to talk to. normally i bvent to this site...however, for some reason this time it didnt quite seem adequate. i had a really good talk on tuesday with someone that allowed me to vent but at the same time it brought up issues that maybe i hadnt thought about in a while and perhaps they are things that have a deeper root into my thoughts and processes and things of that nature. things that i know that exist but perhaps i brrush them off as wounds that have healed and now have no bearing when in fact they are the things that have shaped me and molded me into what and who i am now. i dont know exactly what it is that has spawned all of this. perhaps it is my being back in mobile. or being back in a more christian environment or maybe it was the 2.5 hour talk with cynthia....in fact i know that that phone call had a lot to do with it. there are just so many things now that i just really need to sort out. things about me, about future, about work, about life, about the heart, about just stuff. i am afraid that in effect i may push people away and that is not at all the outcome that i want but i guess, at some point, i get tired of having to explain and justify and defend myself and my answers or thoughts and i just want them to be. simply be. but i think that maybe that is an unrealistic expectation....or maybe it isnt. perhaps things arent as they appear and perhaps things are so simple that it makes them complicated. issues that really are a non-issue, grow to mammoth proportions. im tired, i feel on guard....to everyone. like i have to stand ready for whatever reason. i know part of this is because of "girl-times" but still...its a big melting pot of emotions that i am sorting through and trying to figure out which ones are worth the time and thought and which ones should fall by the wayside.....who knows. maybe time to myself is the best medicine ...time to search my heart and soul and beliefs and being.
:: BAlbretsen 12:59:00 PM [+] ::
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read Wild at Heart by John Eldridge....i have just started reading it myself but it is a great book already. thanks to jon mattox for the recommendation
:: BAlbretsen 12:44:00 PM [+] ::
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impromtu persuassion speaches really suck. especially when it is about a topic that does not interest me. i have never been to riodoso new mexico so how am i supposed to convence someone to go there? GRRRRRRRRR
:: BAlbretsen 12:36:00 PM [+] ::
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