:: State of Mind ::

:: Friday, January 03, 2003 ::

Sometimes the wind blows and things change. Stars seem out of alignment and things whirl about as though the world is in utter chaos. its these times that one finds inner strength after roaming through a dry and barren desert. After one is alone, and isolated. the stars shine and the wind blows. somewhere out there, in the desert where i roam, there is a light and a deeper meaning behind this seemingly barren place in which i find myself
It is a struggle. What is right, what is true. What is it that I believe and where is it that I am going. Why. Why do certain things happen and certain events transpire. Why do I question and why do I doubt, in fact…what is it that I question and what is it that I doubt. I am afraid, yet of what? I laugh, but it seems as though it’s a mask in order to keep the outsiders from probing. I smile, and it is genuine, but it seems like there is a brighter smile hiding inside. What will make it appear? Where is the rain? I need the rain. I need that seclusion that the rain offers. Where I can sit and think or maybe cry and the rain hides it all and allows me to fade into oblivion as it pours down around me.
Overflowing with emotion, yet in a state which prevents expression. Dry and alone. Soul searching a bit as to the things to come and the things that are and have been. What is real and what is now. The things I have to hope in and the strength and security of those around me. Will it hold and support me, even when the days grow long and the sun seems to shine less. Will it provide a shelter from the rain when I am so consumed that I think I might drown. But better still can I find that strength in and of myself in order to be my own or am I being taught to share the load and trust in others and let go. The heart is heavy and longing…longing for something…but what? Answers, and certainty…in things that at this point cannot provide answers. I breathe, but its heavy and a struggle. I walk, but its hard…I stumble. I look, but cannot see…my eyes are clouded and glassed over. I can do nothing but close my eyes and let the tears well up and stream down as I hope and pray for a word, a still small voice of comfort and stability.

:: BAlbretsen 10:44:00 PM [+] ::
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‘“Am I here? What does he mean, “am I here?”’ she thinks, slightly dismayed at his questioning. Angel stands, shifting her weight a bit as she chews on her bottom lip, deep in thought. ‘I have a feeling that I am more here than he thinks, perhaps even more here than he may want me to be. Or maybe he knows that I am here, but he’s just waiting to see how I will divulge myself. I do intend to reveal myself to him, but in time, and in my own way.’
The air is cold, and the stars bright. The perfect night to be in his arms. That’s where she secretly wants to be, but its too early for that. Her good sense tells her that she mustn’t rush things. But his ambiguous demeanor makes it difficult. He never says much, only what he has to, and for that reason she must proceed with caution, so as not to overstep her bounds. With him its so different, a much different feeling and a much different scenario. He is mysterious, and he likes that about himself, its obvious. She stands watching him as he speaks and wraps herself around each and every word, taking it all in and savoring it with the hopes that she can glean something of his heart from it. Perhaps she overanalyzes his words, but in an attempt to be unlike the stereotype, she gives him the benefit of the doubt. And how could she not, his words warm her heart and cause her to melt more than she’d care for him to know so with the grace and composure of the most elite she draws from within a poise that she hopes will conceal her vulnerability because if he knew the affect that he had on her, he could have her, with a blink of an eye he could have her.
The wind blows and as they stand on the terrace, sipping their coffee, she turns to face him, slowly as she is still trying to muster the courage and composure needed to look him in the eye. And in his eyes sees what she has waited a very long time to see. Something unique and wonderful and perhaps something that only comes along once in a life time, and that’s only if one is truly lucky. She breathes a deep breath from the crisp night air and she is ready to answer to his interrogation yet leery of saying to much and losing him to her own aspiration.
"Caleb, I don’t know that I can pinpoint where I am. I know where I want to be and that is where I keep my eyes focused. You, you seem so confident in the things that transpire, and I want that. I want that confidence but without definition that is hard to come by, for me at least. I’m here, with you, a part of us, but sometimes it is hard to know where to look from here. I know that everything has its season and for that reason I am letting things run there course, letting things happen the way that fate or destiny would have them to…but I like knowing. I like seeing. But for right now, what’s important I suppose, is that I like where this has come and even more I like where it is going.”
She looks away, as a feeling in the pit of her stomach develops and from his expression, she may have said too much. A long sip of her coffee invites a silence, awkward, as neither quite knows what to say to fill the void that envelopes them. At this point she has opened something that must be finished, yet to say more, she feels, will either make or break the situation.
Caleb tugs at his leather coat and pulls his cashmere scarf higher around his neck as the night air becomes more frigid and Angel turns away in the still silent ambiance that has engulfed the pair. Glancing over her shoulder at the mysterious inspiration that has become such a deep part of her heart and life, she wonders…..

:: BAlbretsen 10:19:00 PM [+] ::
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