:: State of Mind ::

:: Friday, October 11, 2002 ::

Caleb,
your dream intrigues me.its hysterical but intriguing....i know where YOUR mind is! j/k. also your reference to Out of my heart. even though you said it was nothing. i dont know why exactly why we ended up "clicking" so well but i am glad. you impress and amaze me. you seem too good to be true. i think of you as a great friend even though i havent known you that long. i just feel connected to you some how. like i could trust you with anything. and yes id even be willing to trust you with the things that i have been holding back. i THINK that we are to a point that you wont judge or belittle me b/c of them. at least i hope you wouldnt. id like to think that youd be understanding and supportive. i am glad that you shared w/ me what you did about your spiritual encounter. my faith is such a big issue for me and it is nice to know people who share the same views and beliefs. (sorry i was so hyper that i was butting in) its the ADD! j/k oh... i will get back to you on the scripture link about "the question" if i can. im not saying that im right or that you are right. i have no idea, but its one of those things that i want to look into. anyway...dave just called and is almost here so i need to run.. but...
THANK YOU! you are truly WOW to me.
sincerely,
Angel
:: BAlbretsen 3:44:00 PM [+] ::
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i have finally found it! that one thing that everyone tells you that you have to find. all of my life people have been saying that i have to find what makes me happy. the stantons have been particularly influential in this respect. one thing that they kept telling me was that i couldnt let my happiness be based on someone else. they have always been such an encouragement to me and everything i do but they always see through me. Now i have met someone else who has that capability in a smaller since, and thats probably just because i havent revealed everything to him yet, but hes really good at reading me and seeing my soul. anyway... i have found it. i have found that happiness. i am happier now than i have been in so long. today i have spent the majority of my time smiling and occassionally just bursting into laughter for no reason. you know its funny. i cant put my finger on what it is. its like the City Slickers movie where Curly tells them that you have to find that one thing. yet no one knows what "it" is. well i have it now. even though i know very few people here and most of them are through work. i have no friends and no male interrest yet i am happier than ever. it used to be that i placed a great deal of weight concerning my happiness on whether or not i had a boyfriend/ person to date. right now, i am enjoying being me. without being automatically linked to someone else.."oh your_________'s girlfriend." dont get me wrong, id love to have someone special. but i am loving life and loving who i am, i am at a place in time where i dont care so much about impressing others or seeking approval. im enjoying stimulating conversations and time to reflect and revive my inner artist. im enjoying singing and laughing and dancing and crying (tears of joy) id love to have friends/someone special to share it all with but im okay with just having myself. this writing gives me the feeling that i am sharing it. i just feel like i am absolutly overflowing and i wish that everyone could feel what i am feeling. im not sure the exact "thing" or the source. i know that caleb has been influential in helping me find it. as have the stanton. THANK YOU ALL! i know there have been times that you have been frustrated w/ me. i really hope that this is ginuine..that this is the real thing, not a fleeting or passing happiness. God has been good and faithful to my being in New Jersey and i know that i am here for a reason. perhaps this is it.... to take a giant step back and find myself again. who knows. but i am really glad that it has occurred
:: BAlbretsen 3:27:00 PM [+] ::
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i HATE when i force myself to wake up at 6 am, leave my house by 7am arrive to the wonderful douglass campus at rutgers university only to find that my SPECTACULAR professor has decided that he will not be making an appearence today. but does he have the courtesy to send an aid or someone to leave a message on the board? NO! so the entire class is forced to sit inside a bitter cold crowded classroom waiting the allotted 15-20 mins allowed for professors possessing a PhD. GRRRR what a waste of my time.

fired a guy from work last night. well, I didnt but Chad did. this kid, i swear...he has voluntarilly assassinated the majority of his brain cells. i honestly do not know how he could possibly be considered a functioning, contributing member of society. i would say, youd have to meet him to understand, but it isnt worth it. youd be wasting your time. anyway... the guy was stupid enough to ask to use the phone and then (While standing less than 3 feet from Chad and me) proceeded to call "his cousin" and say "Dude, can you get me a gram?? i only have $51 though." What is his problem?? i wish (in the words of chad maynor) " i had a huge inflatable hammer so that whenever someone says or does something stupid i can just reach across the counter and... BLAP!" so anyway, this kid, who will remain nameless, is gone now. im sobbing over it... really, im heartbroken.

Caleb and i went at it the other night. a HUGE fight which was the result of nothing more than a missunderstanding on both of our parts. we went around and around for what seemed like forever and of course got NO WHERE! if was so frustrating. i was so angry at his words to me but at the same time it felt great to clinch my fists and grit my teeth and tell him exactly how i felt. i told him that it made me wanna pulverize his face beyond recognition, yet anyone who knows me knows that i would never actually be able to do something like that. but everyone also knows (whether they will admit it or not) that they have felt like that (at some point in time)about a situation or in some cases a person. most people will deny ever feeling this way just because "they are too nice to EVER feel something that extreme." in my opinion...thats CRAP! i know.. i am probably shocking many of you who may be reading this right now or even offending you but, what i say is true. or at the very least its my opinion, which by the way i am allowed to have! :-)

so on a lighter note:
Caleb,
thank you for your challenges, your sword matches and your duals of wit and wisdom. one of these days im gonna have YOU speechless. left with NO rebuttle. (and no that is not me admitting that you have won all of the previous matches;...b/c you havent) so.. im headed to the mountains of new york this weekend for a college retreat. and in "honor" of you, yes i will take my camera and several rolls of film and will try to catch some good shots of the sun setting over the peaks of the mountain, since you wont be here to share that sight. but believe me.... my photographic efforts will be a farse in comparrison to yours. but if nothing else i can let you try to improve on them (digitally)
i really dont know where i am going w/ this. just mindless ramblings. sorry there is no banterring. i know thats what you were hoping for but i ran out of rubberbands. maybe i just lost them all in the rain.

speaking of rain... sometimes i hate the rain. makes me angry. you know? sometimes i just want a sunny day. but then there are times when i LOVE the rain, those days when i just feel like dancing in the rain... spinning around, arms outstretched looking up at the sky hoping to catch a few sweet drops of rain in my mouth. or stomping in the puddles acting like a kid. i enjoy it much better when i am in a "Love the rain" mood. it is so much "lighter" if that makes any sense, your heart feels lighter and you are less focused on the demands of the day but rather focussed on living in the moment. too often, we are so focused on what we have to do next that we forget to live the now. on my way to work last week i saw a man, probably in his late 30s and he was walking along route 1. i saw him stop at a retaining "wall" (more of a fence) on the side of the road that had vines tangled along it. intermingled with the vines were some bright red flowers. im not sure what kind but probably nothing more than a floral weed. the man stopped though. he picked up one of those blossems and eyed it for a moment and the bent down and smelled it. you know... at that moment i was so jealous of that man. he didnt have much... his clothes seemed old and dirty....and he was walking on the street. he didnt appear to be homeless.. just lacking in the material posessions that most americans have comedetermined as necessities rather than privileges. yet he seemed to be the happiest man i have seen because he lives life in the moment enough so that he can stop and admire the beauty in nature and breathe it all in without worry of his next step. i wish i could be more like that man. but at least he taught me a lesson. so the next time you find yourself frenzied and in a rush... stop, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. but dont just take that breath and then go on about your way... REALLY breathe it all in. the sweet aromas of time. and of life, and of freedom, and of everything that you are blessed to have. close your eyes and really see life and what it is worth and value that moment. when you see a puddle, dont be so worrried about your new shoes or what people will think, just splash on in! (your shoes will dry and im sure the people who see will merely think the same jealous thoughts that i had about the man and the flower.)
~Angel
:: BAlbretsen 9:28:00 AM [+] ::
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today wasnt that bad of a day. im tired but other than that nothing too major. my back hurts...massage would be nice. there is a spa near my house, i think i may check into treating myself to a one hour massage. i used to treat myself to one every month but since i moved up here... havent continued.

im excited about the retreat this weekend. i think it will be really good.. plus i will get to meet more people from the NY/NJ area. oh... i think Christine is gonna try to go into the city w/ me on the 19th to see Rent and go shopping in SoHo. thats cool. at least that way i dont have to go alone.

i am a little leary of my logic midterm on friday. hopefully things will go ok. i get off work early (8:00) tomorrow so i can use that time to study (assuming that i can contain the urge to get online and write) i just know that the last logic test i took, i worked on for over 5 hours total and this test is an in class test which means only an hour and a half. EEK!

i drew something yesterday and then today i wrote a poetic explination of it. if there is a way to put pics on here, im gonna try to scan it in and put both on my writings blog. its nothing overly spectaculer.. actually it isnt really anything. but it was what my hand and creative side came up w/.... i wasnt really "thinking" about what was going onto the page.

sometimes i wonder if i am as obsessive/ compulsive as Monica on Friends. i know that i have my quirks but it seems that lately more and more people accuse me of being a little O/C.hmmm... not sure what to make of that.

im really enjoying having this place to put down whatever is on my mind. i realize that the last several entries were exclusively for one person, but not all of them will be that. i just have a lot of things on my mind releated to that one person write now and this site helps me to "voice" them. but there will be other entries....kinda like this one that allow me to just exhale.

still must see Sweet Home Alabama!

:: BAlbretsen 11:09:00 PM [+] ::
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There is this pesky little kid who keeps chasing me with rubber bands and he keeps flicking them at me. i wanna wring his little neck everytime he does but then i remember that hes just a little kid, and kids are cute and you arent supposed to get mad, or at least not STAY mad at little kids. my only defense is to be bitingly sarcastic or to just stay quiet, preoccupy my thoughts.and as annoying as it is when he flicks them at me... sometimes i just have to concede and look at it through the eyes of a child and play along.

everyone has shadows in their past. things that they wish hadnt happened or things that they still have to bear the burden of but deep down they wouldnt change it for anything b/c it makes them who they are today. sometimes you just wanna acknowledge that it is ther but not necessarily broadcast it to the world. perhaps its because want to but you arent ready, perhaps it would make you uncomforably vulnerable or perhaps you just dont see the benefit from it.

i really need to learn to play the guitar, or at least RE-learn to play the piano. people say that it isnt that hard to reteach it to yourself if you used to be able to play

the 7 hours of much needed sleep last night was good but im still tired. and its another day.. class (paper due) and work. URG

i wish i had a better voice. i love to sing and am so passionate about music that i wish i sounded better. im not terrible. im not tone deaf, i just dont think i have that great of a voice. once someone told me that i had a wonderful voice. that comment was followed by: " i have always wanted to date someone who could sing as well as you" BAH!!!
speaking of singing, here comes one of my "spin around til your dizzy, sing at the top of your lungs, breathe a deep breath, take in and take over the world" songs coming on the radio right now... "Someboby Like YOu" thank you Keith Urban for giving me a song like this that i can relate to. i BEAM everytime i hear it.
:: BAlbretsen 9:59:00 AM [+] ::
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To Caleb~
Wrap around EVERY WORD of this. its me...its you...its honest

Naked
by Avril Lavigne

i wake up in the morning,
put on my face,
the one thats gonna get me
through another day
doesnt really matter
how i feel inside
this life is like a game sometimes

then you came around me
the walls just disappeared
nothing to surround me
keep me from my fears
im unprotected
see how ive opened up
youve made me trust

ive never felt like this before
im naked around you
does it show
you see right through me
and i cant hide
im naked around you
and it feels so right

trying to remember
why i was afraid
to br myself
and let the covers fall away
guess i never had
someone like you
to help me fit
in my skin

your words to me are power. i am not going to tell you to stop. i know that this feud is internal. and im trying. your patient, your wisdom and you are daring. daring to probe and push and awaken feelings that i didnt know existed. no, i wont tell you to stop. i may resist, but know its a defence because "you see right through me and i cant hide" your challenges are welcomed and yes, i may feel so threatened that i wish my arms could reach to......choke...embrace...or give you one powerful touch that would let you know that...im here...mind body and soul....theres the envelope.
:: BAlbretsen 6:52:00 AM [+] ::
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Caleb~
you sure do have some nerve. i dont know exactly what you are up to, but im really gritting my teeth and i so badly wanna argue with you and yell and scream but i know it would wind up ending like my daydream. and so out of spite or maybe out of fear... i am holding it in. there may be more posted here later but for now... the envolope is there.

~Angel
:: BAlbretsen 2:57:00 AM [+] ::
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What box do you get put in?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: BAlbretsen 12:29:00 AM [+] ::
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to caleb~
a strength, an inspiration, and a new found source of invigorating stimulation
thank you! your words are magic and they light a fire in my soul. your letters bring me to tears and your works are captivating. although its just the beginning, like i have said, it feels like a thousand years and then a thousand more. you amaze me.
~Angel
:: BAlbretsen 11:39:00 PM [+] ::
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Please feel free to check out the "my writings" link to the left. this will be updated periodically as i have more writings to publish. hope you enjoy
:: BAlbretsen 11:22:00 PM [+] ::
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i feel free and i feel alive. happier than i have been in a very long time. life is good because i am able to live it, breathe it all in and soak up the sunlight.i love myself more and am content with my circumstances. i have awakened a sleeping dragon with this rekindled desire to write. its powerful and i love it. i was able to get a sketchbook today and i just feel like emptying myself, all of myself into it. i feel as though i am overflowing. i have a new found joy and i thank God for allowing me to realize it and take advantage of the gifts and talents that He has blessed me with. i want to sing and dance and shout at the top of my lungs til every mountain, every valley and every ocean hears it and knows that what they just heard was a shout of ecstasy and that it came from the depths of an overjoyed soul.
:: BAlbretsen 11:20:00 PM [+] ::
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a profound statement:
"i am excluded from most umbrellas
and that doesn't make me fickle
I just like to get wet."
---J. Keys
:: BAlbretsen 1:44:00 AM [+] ::
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a little piece of advise from the thunder maker:
"When someone attributes your presence, your listening ear, your seemingly common two cents... to their success or slightest motivation no matter to what degree those are..... you say "Thank you." And you let it make you feel good inside..... And after you get to know, really get to know ME, and I make that attribution to you..... you say "Wow...." :-) Cause it's what I say when I talk to you and think about your words to me"
---J.Keys
:: BAlbretsen 1:11:00 AM [+] ::
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i dont know why i am doing those quizzes. i guess i just see so many of ginnis that i had to check them out. plus im feeling a bit lethargic...i wanna sort through everything going on in my head but as a friend of mine said when he was in a mood like this, its as though my brain were a filing cabinet and someone took out 70 file folders and threw them in the air and now EVERYTHING is just chaoticly strewn about....hmm...*sigh
:: BAlbretsen 12:38:00 AM [+] ::
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What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty

:: BAlbretsen 12:35:00 AM [+] ::
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:: BAlbretsen 12:28:00 AM [+] ::
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:: BAlbretsen 12:23:00 AM [+] ::
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i just feel overwhelmed and im not very sure why. i feel like everything is spinning. part of me wants to cry. i have a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. i dont know where this came from. i was fine earlier. today was great. i felt like i needed a release so after Therese Raquin ( a play at Rutgers) i went on a walk through Lord Sterling.... counted 29 deer. i took a lot of pictures. partially for my dad but partially so i wouldnt forget. i know that i am making memories. there were pics of the deer, the geese, the sunset, the water, the trees... everything. there is something serene about nature. i think i have found my new "spot".. one that i can just call my own where i can go and think and reflect and just BE. i tried to buy a sketch pad today...that would help. it would be another release. unfortunatly they were sold out. maybe tomorrow. anyway....im gonna go and hopefully be inspired now!
~angel
:: BAlbretsen 12:06:00 AM [+] ::
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:: BAlbretsen 12:01:00 AM [+] ::
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Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

:: BAlbretsen 11:57:00 PM [+] ::
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i am just trying this out with the hopes that it will give me a chance to express what i am feeling, write down whatever is going on for the day and just have a place that i can use as a release. if you dont like the things i write, i dont care. they are my thoughts and my feelings. i am not making any promises as to how often i will post or anything, but it will be open and it will be honest
~angel
:: BAlbretsen 11:35:00 PM [+] ::
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